


i did not die

by Fumm95



Series: Through All These Years (Aurora Shepard & Kaidan Alenko) [2]
Category: Mass Effect, Mass Effect - All Media Types, Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Angst, Coma, Destroy Ending, F/M, Hospitals, Post-Game(s), Tumblr Prompt, Unconsciousness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-07
Updated: 2017-11-07
Packaged: 2019-01-30 15:31:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,723
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12656343
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fumm95/pseuds/Fumm95
Summary: On finally returning to Earth, Kaidan finds that Shepard is alive, but only just.





	i did not die

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by the prompt "I'm not ready to say goodbye" as sent by quantummindclassicalheart on tumblr.
> 
> And I’m sure there are plenty of ways to make this fluffy, but seeing as it’s ME, my mind went to angst immediately. And you know, it’s been a while since I’ve written Shenko. :D
> 
> Ummm, happy N7 day?

For as long as he’d known her, Shepard had always been vibrant. To much of the galaxy, she was a hero larger than life, a shining beacon of humanity’s best and brightest, but he had always known better, known how lucky he was that he could count himself as one of the few who knew Shepard, the woman.

The beautiful, strong, determined woman who had, time and time again, saved them all, giving whatever she had.

Even if it took everything.

The Normandy’s trip back to Earth was a slow one, made all the worse by the lack of decent communication across the lightyears, and by the time they’d arrived back on Earth, Kaidan was fairly certain that, in any other circumstance, Joker would have found a way to keep him locked up in his quarters.

Honestly, part of him was surprised that he hadn’t been, regardless. The old Joker, back in the days of the Normandy SR-1 wouldn’t have held back, but the past few years, and of course, _she_ , had been a turning point in everybody’s lives.

Even before they had come to a full stop at Vancouver, he was working at the hatch of the door, feverish and determined, though his fingers shook to the point where he could hardly operate the unlocking mechanism. Gentle hands pulled him away, giving Garrus room to take over his efforts, and he looked up to find blue eyes gazing at him with so much sympathy that he had to look away.

“We haven’t heard anything yet, Kaidan. Someone will tell us. I’m sure of it.”

He bit his lip. Liara meant well, of course, but even so, he could hear the slight hesitation to her voice, the quiver of uncertainty, and he squeezed her hands, forcing a smile. “I know. Thanks.”

That didn’t stop him from being the first off of the ship, nearly barreling over Garrus in his haste, though he still snapped to attention as soon as he noticed Admiral Hackett waiting at the side.

“At ease, Major.” Tired lips pulled into a smile, small but welcoming nonetheless. “We’re glad to see you all safely back on Earth.”

“Thank you, sir. It’s good to be back.” He cleared his throat, glancing at the crowd of high ranking Alliance officials. “This is quite a welcoming party, sir.”

“Nonsense. It’s the least the Alliance could do for the Normandy and her crew.”

He nodded in acknowledgement, though his eyes darted around the group, searching for two in particular.

Neither were there.

As if noticing his attention shift, the admiral released a breath that could almost be a sigh. “I’m sure you’ve noticed a few key absences, Major. I won’t draw this out for you any further, nor is there any easy way to say this. I regret to inform you that we recently found Admiral Anderson’s body in the wreckage of the Citadel. As you and many other members of his former crew can surely attest, he was a strong leader and a good man, and he will be sorely missed.”

He blinked hard against the sudden stinging in his eyes. “That he was, sir.”

Admiral Hackett‘s gaze drifted past him, to the rest of the crew slowly assembling. “My condolences with you all. There will be a memorial service in a few days’ time. We hope that you will all be able to attend.”

Before he could speak, another voice sounded from behind him, shaking and without any trace of its usual sarcasm. “We would be honored, sir.”

“I’m pleased to hear that, Lieutenant Moreau.”

“And Shepard? Is she…?” In spite of himself, the rest of the words caught in his throat but the admiral only nodded, eyes grave.

“We found Commander Shepard buried under some of the rubble from the Citadel’s destruction.”

For a moment, it felt as if his heart dropped into his stomach, and though Hackett was still talking, he heard nothing, felt nothing other than the pain of his nails digging into his palms, sharp and _real_.

“...should still be a few hours of visitation left, if you would like to go, Major, though I’m afraid the rest of the crew will have to wait until another time.”

He blinked. “Visitation, sir?”

The look he received for his complete lack of understanding was surprisingly patient. “Indeed, Alenko. Commander Shepard is currently in the hospital here.”

“I…” He blinked again, his brain desperately trying to process the impossibility. “She’s alive?”

“Yes, but…” Before he could begin to feel anything akin to relief, Admiral Hackett held up a cautionary hand. “She’s been unconscious since we found her. The doctors have been unable to give any indication of when or whether she will ever wake up.”

He bit his tongue so hard that his mouth filled with the metallic tang of iron as he nodded. “I understand, sir. I… would still like to see her.”

“I thought you might.” The slightest hint of satisfaction tinted the admiral’s voice. “I’m afraid I can only bring you, but rooms have been prepared for the entire crew. If you will take care of them, Admiral Takamura?”

One of the figures, barely reaching his shoulders in height but with every bearing of earned confidence, stepped forward with a small bow before pushing chin-length black hair out of her face. “Of course, Admiral Hackett. Go ahead; I am certain Major Alenko is quite anxious. And if the rest of you would gather everything you need and follow me?”

Kaidan turned, giving Garrus an almost imperceptible nod, before hurrying after Admiral Hackett’s already retreating back, weaving their way through the streets to the Alliance hospital in what was likely record time. Along the way, they passed Citadel races of all sorts, humans and aliens alike, working together to clear rubble and rebuild what had been destroyed by the Reaper attack, but he hardly noticed them. Hardly noticed anything of the remains of his hometown.

Their arrival to the hospital was without fanfare, the admiral hardly pausing to acknowledge the front desk before leading him past, almost as though it had been planned from the start. The building itself seemed to have survived much of the attack, or at least had been rebuilt with alacrity, all clean white walls and bright tiled floors. Silent, and sterile enough to turn his stomach.

Admiral Hackett came to a stop outside one door, so abrupt that he nearly ran into him. The man, however, said nothing on his lapse in attention, instead only studying him with a look of such intensity that he felt _exposed_.

“Admiral?”

In an unusual show of uncertainty, Hackett drew a shaky breath. “You should understand, Alenko, that Commander Shepard was in… pretty bad shape when they found her. She was still breathing, but god only knows how. The doctors… They fixed her up as best they could, but there’s much left uncertain, especially while she’s still in a coma.”

“I…” He coughed, consciously relaxing his fingers as he did so. “I understand. Thank you, Admiral.”

“Go on, then.”

To his intense relief, the admiral didn’t linger, only directed him inside before closing the door behind him.

In the past years, he had seen Shepard in many different scenarios. Unconscious and trembling after saving him from the Prothean beacon on Eden Prime. Grim faced and discouraged following censures from the Council. Stiff-lipped and impassive, separated by what seemed to be an insurmountable crevasse, on Horizon. Open and passionate and beautiful in his arms. Injured and sleeping and haunted and hurting.

But nothing compared to seeing her, battered and impossibly small on the hospital bed. Dark bruises mottled almost every visible inch of her skin, purples and greens painting a picture of pain and suffering that made his stomach churn. Tubes and wires twisted and hung around her, a spiderweb of nutrients and monitors to keep her alive.

In some ways, it was almost worse than the images that haunted his worst nightmares.

He sank into a chair placed at her bedside, reaching for her hand, unmoving and almost as pale as the bed sheet on which it rested. Underneath his fingers, her pulse beat, sluggish and so faint that he almost missed it, but still, he curled his fingers around hers, hoping against hope that she would react, somehow.

Nothing.

He released a breath he didn’t know he had been holding. “Shepard.” His voice was rough, nearly cracking even on that simple word, but there was nobody around to overhear, and the only person he _wanted_ to hear couldn’t say a word.

“Shepard, you did it. You saved the galaxy. Just like everyone thought you would, huh?” He took a deep breath, squeezing the hand in his. “You know, once I woke up in Huerta and heard you visited, I wondered what it must have been like for you to walk in and only see the damages of what had happened. I think… If it was half as bad as this, then I can’t…” He broke off, wincing as his voice shook, threatening to break with every word.

“Goddammit, Shepard. I can’t do this again. Please. You’ve saved the world. You’ve earned your vacation a thousand times over. So as soon as you’re ready, let’s go. Anywhere you want.” The words fell out of his mouth, faster than he could think, than he could stop. “I’ve already lost you once, Shepard. Not again. Never again. I… I’m not ready to say goodbye. Not yet. Not when we’re this close. Please.”

He took a shuddering breath, feeling warm tears streaking down his cheeks, but he didn’t bother to brush them away. Not anymore.

Instead he leaned over, pressing his lips to her forehead. “I’ll be waiting, Shepard. However long it takes. I promise. Just come back to me.”

* * *

_Do not stand at my grave and weep_  
_I am not there. I do not sleep._  
_I am a thousand winds that blow._  
_I am the diamond glints on snow._  
_I am the sunlight on ripened grain._  
_I am the gentle autumn rain._  
_When you awaken in the morning's hush_  
_I am the swift uplifting rush_  
_Of quiet birds in circled flight._  
_I am the soft stars that shine at night._  
_Do not stand at my grave and cry;_  
_I am not there. I did not die._

\--Mary Elizabeth Frye

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from the poem at the end of the fic (not mine, obviously).


End file.
